Really

I was holding it together pretty well through it all until we pulled into the driveway. Somewhere between late night and early morning, the girls and I arrived home. We had just spent the week in Tennessee burying Gary's sister. All we could think about was finally getting home. We walked into the house and realized our dog, Moe, was missing.

It was cold, late, and I was exhausted. Knowing I could do nothing until the sun came up, I went to unpack the car. That is when I saw him. Laying to the side, dead in the corner of the driveway. Moe had been hit by a car.

“Really?” I stood in the driveway, and saw my babies faces. I knew.... they knew, and I just lost it.

“ Really God? Are you kidding me? Really? After the week we have had:

You made us watch our family ache over a death far too early. We watched Gary preach his own sister's funeral. My girls stood by a casket and stared death in the face. Isn't that enough, but no... you took the dog too?”

Lindsey looked a me through her tears and said, “Who are you yelling at?” I looked at her, and told her the truth.

“God.”

She walked away silently, but her face said it all. She wanted to be nowhere around someone who stands in the middle of the yard yelling at the Creator of the Universe.

I was heartbroken, I was exhausted.....I was ticked!

Now I know that human life is far more valuable than dogs. It was just the culmination of all of my fragile emotions unleashed at once.

I had just had enough and since He knew my heart anyway.....

Last Saturday, we began our Holiday traditions. We made shoe boxes for kids who need toys halfway around the world. I found myself standing at the cash register, just a little nervous. I wanted to make sure our little fun family activity didn't cost “too much.”

My unspoken somewhat selfish mantra..... “Give til you feel better...... about you.”

I tried to ignore it, I kept walking around looking for “dollar items”.

“Really Niki?” 

I am surprised everyone in Family Dollar didn't hear it because I couldn't miss it(even though I tried) God was very loud in HIS correction to me. “You just spent more money buying a dog collar and leash for your new dog than you did on this child. You are now worried about the dollar amount getting out of control. You might spend too much money..... proclaiming MY name? You might have to take back some of those clothes you bought today.... let's not even talk about what you spent just on you are those girls who have more than they can even pick up and put away.

Really Niki?”

I walked away for a minute while Gary was paying. I knew my thoughts were wrong, I just couldn't get a hold of them. I heard Anna Kate tell the clerk “ Did you know that there are people in the world, kids my age, who don't get toys for Christmas?”

…...And a little child will lead them.

This year I am thankful for a God who can take a fit . Who is not afraid to love me through a “ Really?” moment.

  Sometimes my side and sometimes HIS.

It all came together for me in the little note AK wrote. Her sweet heart on display. 

                              My gift, just to get to be her mom. Her simple words.

I really hope you love these Jesus toys......

Jesus toys. Really? God?

…. Yes, Niki, Really!

Home

“Mrs. Millraney, settle an argument for us please.”

      I love the way a 6^th grader thinks. There is still an innocence of childhood, but they are learning to reason. They question everything they have been taught. In my opinion, that is not always a bad thing.
        Last week they posed this question to me. “Is a house and a home the same thing?”
     I sat down with them and we talked about it. The longer we talked, the deeper it got, and we swirled into the land of questions. That is when they hit me with it:
     “Where is your home?” They always do that...they turn the question and stare directly at me waiting for an answer.
    That is a question I have thought a lot about lately. In the midst of life ... it is a fair question.

         Let's see. I married in Tennessee, graduated college in Indiana, had one child in Kentucky, the other in Georgia and I live in Alabama.
      I used to say home was Nashville, but that was twenty years ago. Can home be a place you don't frequent? In fact, I have now lived away from there as long as I lived there.

        I would say Clay Farm Road , my parents farm in TN. While I love it, it is not mine.
          I could say Alabama, because that is my current address. But one thing I have learned in ministry is that that can change all too quickly.
      Where is home?
      I guess a better question is “What is home?”

Home is where you can dance in the kitchen, you are free to act goofy, you can be yourself , where it is ok to cry. Home is where you are free to be you.....

whoever that might really be.

Home is where you are safe. Home is not alone.

I keep going, replaying it, and I keep coming back to one common denominator.

  The people.

I felt like I was home this past week spent with my family... but, that was never about location.

     My signs from my students after my absence said “Welcome Home!” and I completely agree that with my students I feel an element of home.
   
In the last 20 years, Gary and I have moved several times. NO ONE should ever have as many “ new home” ornaments on the Christmas tree as we do. But I can honestly say that if we ever went back to any of those places, we could be “ home” again.


Even Heaven is described as home, and I have never been there.


    I wish I had a concrete definition. A map to point to and say … here! But the truth is this, I can't answer the questions very well. I can't explain it, I can't illustrate it, or even put it into words....

But one thing I do know... I know when I am there.