Enough

A few weeks ago we had a Millraney first. 

     Our little family went together to church for the first time ….ever.  We got dressed together and rode in the same car.  We walked in at the same time and sat on the same row.  Sounds weird to you… I know.   

     It was the first time I didn't have to share my family with the world on a Sunday. 

..... and that Sunday, I just couldn’t share.   

Sometimes "firsts" are painful.  Sometimes "firsts" are scary.  Sometimes "firsts" represent the future. 

 And "firsts" are always hard.

  We sat there on the back row (we are Baptist through and through) and it seemed just a little surreal.   The familiar songs of the faith,  the “Special music” and the nostalgia of  childhood surrounded me.   Right in front of us sat the Old Baptist Hymnal…. and it was strangely comforting.    

I cried the entire time.  

  My tears were part of my realization of our family and how we had come full circle. The Millraneys were no longer part of a church staff and this was the first day of our new lives.

Welcome to the latest hill on the roller coaster we have called 2014.

     Some of you have read my blog for years and know that I always pick a word to strive for in the upcoming days.  Looking back now, it’s hard to believe that my word for 2014 was “Enough.”

I never dreamed how I would see that word played out over the last few months

    You see, I thought leaving everything we knew and loved and moving to pastor a new church and live in a new town would be enough for any family. 

 Then just a short 30 days later…

 I was sure that burying my father and leaving my heart shattered .....would have to be enough.

I was certain that God would call "enough" when we  were presented with our only option...leaving my mother in an assisted living  facility because without John, it's hard to find Linda again.

It just had to be enough for any daughter’s heart to bare.

   I would have thought that Gary's ministry ending so suddenly would have been enough for any ministerial family to endure after 20 years of being faithful to the call.

Enough!

I have fallen on my knees  in the middle of the yard at Argoland, and with tears pouring down my cheeks, have begged God to make it stop because….

 I had had enough.

Enough of life, enough of trouble,  enough pain, enough of HIM not doing anything to make it stop.

Then,  I heard something recently that stopped me cold. 

“People will see the Glory of God by how HIS children react to the trouble of this life.”

React...

How has my reaction been?

Is what I have been telling people about God all of these years, true?

Has it guided my actions and reactions over the past few months?

Since September,

 I have honestly done little more than just exist. 

And I didn't do that very well.

 Shutting down was just easier.  Walling up and closing the door just seemed like a better option.

Let's face it. ..  sitting at home on Sunday was not nearly as painful as facing the fact that after 20 years, we had no church home.  We were not part of a staff, we had no plan, only a few friends, a shattered family, and little hope.

But, isn't it funny that if you give yourself enough time, your heart will always come back to what it  knows to be true.

So, we decided to start over again where it all started with us.... in church.

  We do love just being "Gary and Niki... the new couple with those two little girls."  It is a time of healing.  A time of restoration and rest.  God is using this time to remind us of those central truths we cling to. 

     God is real and HE loves us. He is God and He has a plan.

I hope this season finds you well.  I hope you find so many things this season for which you give  thanks to God.

But more that anything else,  I hope you hear Him whisper over you the same words HE has whispered to my heart this season...

"No matter the trials or storms you may face in this life... just remember:

 I  AM ALWAYS ENOUGH.”