Legacy

I  have always dreamed of working at a school where my girls attended. It is a privilege I have never been granted, until this year. I am always the mom crying in the corner because I missed something. I simply hated the fact that the school asked my husband to go to events and field trips because I could never go. I have longed to be the mom that gets to attend Awards and eat lunch. I have always wanted to do all the “ Mom things.”

I finally got my wish this year. I truly love being with them. I get to see them throughout the day and smile as their little heads peep in my classroom window. They don't distract. They just need to see my smile as much as I need to see theirs. It is medicine for my soul on the sometimes long and hard days in the land of 6^th grade.

 I remember not too long ago, it was  Anna Kate's helper week. She was the hall monitor.... and from what people tell me… She was very good at it.

Four different teachers came up to me and recounted her rise to power. I didn't get to see it myself, and in some ways I am glad. But I can picture it. There she was, hand on her hip, snapping fingers, and pointing at some poor kid. “ You were talking! … Don’t even try to say you weren’t talking. I saw you. You need to stop!”

Every one of the teachers came up to me and said, “She is YOU!”

I thought about this a long time on the way home. It was humorous, especially if you know my baby. But,  I came to a very humbling conclusion, she gets the power, she gets the role…

but she doesn’t get the WHY?

I laughed at the thought of her standing there. She thinks it is about  prestige. She misses the part about protecting an environment for learning. She isn't concerned with safety or submission to authority. She is completely enamored with the position or posture of teacher.

She knows the motions. She can copy them, but she doesn’t know my reasons.

That is extremely scary to me. They are watching me….. intently. They copy my every move….without ever knowing the why.

My absolute favorite picture of my daughter Lindsey is one of her in worship. She has her eyes closed and her arms lifted up as she sings. When I asked her why she did it, she simply said.... “ You do it.”

I guess I could be self- serving here and just let it end with that but,...

Tonight, in fact, my Anna Kate told me that I had to be on the Naughty list because I was listening to a song on the radio about “ slapping your Grandma” , and that I yell a lot lately.

Recently, we had to have the whole “ cussing” discussion, and I am pretty sure that I know where that behavior was learned.

Now , I know that I am about as far from perfect as you can get, but I do want to leave a Legacy of faith for my girls.

And this is not it.

 At church, we studied about Abraham and Isaac and the almost sacrifice. The child was old enough to ask intelligent questions, so I am guessing he was old enough to put up a fight once he realized what was happening. This part really bugged me!

I guess I walked away from church ashamed. I kept thinking about how Abraham must have lived his life out in front of his son so that when he told him the plan, there was no record of a struggle.

He must have been used to hearing the “why” about obedience from his dad. Abraham must have done a good job of the whole, “ When you walk down the road, when you sit and when you lie down” part.

As a result, his son had learned to accept God's commands.

I sometimes forget to take the time to share the “Why.”

Last week I had a heart to heart with Lindsey about obedience.When she asked me why I cared so much about her obedience, I had the opportunity to tell her that until she falls under my authority, she will never fall under God's.

Outside of God's hands....that is just not a place I want my daughter to be.

She and I talked about moving here, and how I was completely and unequivocally  against it. I came because I knew God said to do it. I did not want to. God brought me here with all my reservations....but it was out of that obedience that we have been so incredibly blessed.

It hit me lying there in bed with her... “Why have I not told her this story before?” How did I get so busy being mommy that I overlooked this?

A private faith, I am learning is not one that my girls can follow.

  If don't explain and take the time to show them, they will spend their whole lives going through the motions, but never engaging their heart.

   I want them to ask why. They need to hear it from me.

I was reading in Deuteronomy 11 about the Children of Israel and Moses getting the 10 Commandments. Twice it is told to the people. Remember.... your children didn't see God do this or that. Remember to tell them. Explain why we are here and what you have personally seen God do.

After 15 years in youth ministry, I can attest to that fact all too well. So many kids grew up with parents who would take them to church, make sure they were taught, but it ended right there in the parking lot.

Parking lot faith will not be there on the days that I am not.

I watched my girls deal with death for the first time this week as Gary's sister died.  They were constantly on my radar.  I was super psycho mom this week trying to sense every possible question and mood.  To shield, to answer, to protect. 

One thing I noticed.  They were watching US.  It didn't matter at all what they had heard us say about God, or death or pain.  They could only digest what was right in front of them.   Good, bad, or whatever.  On display to prove if the God we serve would show up and do what we had told them about. 

We sat and answered questions about songs and scriptures and such.  I was so humbled when my Lindsey said.  " Daddy, I'll do your funeral one day.  I know who your God is and I know just what to tell people. "   

Maybe the most precious words a parent can hear.

 Ultimatley, I want to have a legacy of faith  to leave my girls.    To know that with confidence they can stand one day and tell others about the God that they serve, and why they serve HIM.

I am realizing that for better or worse, I am forming my legacy now

 I have to make it a priority to explain in great detail the " WHY?"  

One day they will know it was

.. not so much what I did, but why I did it.

Not so much what I thought, but why I thought it.

Not who I was, but WHY? .....