Oprah, Daddy and 1989

I have been cleaning like a mad woman for days. The condition of our home   (and car, and garage and etc.) is the result of too much fun over the holidays. Honestly, it seems like our family has been on fast forward since around Halloween.

We came home from our trip to Tennessee, and I haven't stopped. Truth is, I think I am afraid to stop. School is starting back , I am just not finished yet. I know it is crazy, but I don't like things still on my list.

 

The list. Last night my sister asked me what I had to do. I sent her a photo of my list ( 2 columns long) for yesterday that at 1:00am only had three things marked off. She laughed and said.. “Just throw that thing away and start over!”

So much to do, with so little time to do it. We run on empty, doing far too much, constantly frustrated with what didn't get done.

Right before Christmas, (the most wonderful time of year) I had the same conversation with three different people..... all on the same day.

“I am just not doing anything well.” “I don't like me.” “I don't like who I am, or what I am becoming.” “My kids are getting on my last nerve. I don't even like them some days”. “I have to get it together.” “I just can't keep on going like this.”

It was like they kept saying everything I was thinking and feeling....but, scared to say out loud.

I have run from it, tried to ignore it, and downright denied it, but it is still there. And it keeps showing up.

Letting the urgent overshadow the important.

God has been trying to communicate this to me on so many levels lately. I am never very good with subtle hints. He keeps driving home the same message, hoping if He hits me from every possible front.... I 'll get it.

I was watching an episode of Oprah, and the expert asked that question that stopped me cold. She was talking about making your child feel special, loved and appreciated. She asked, “Does your face light up when they walk in the room?”

---- Ouch.

I just yelled at my kids for messing up my shelving masterpiece designed for organization, and told them I was too busy to play.

So much for lighting up, I think I actually growled.

This just echoed the same idea that I heard just the other day by a child expert that was counseling a mother....

“You walk in after working all day, and you have all of this that you need to accomplish

... and they just want you.”

again..... Ouch.

I know the truth, I just can't find the balance. Clothes must be washed, chores done. Dog fed, lessons prepared, papers graded, all the while childhood ( life) is happening.

I caught a glimpse of this over the holidays. My daddy stopped me and made me look at Lindsey. Physically held my arm and said “Just look at her. She is growing up so fast. Do you see it, or are you missing it?”

She was sitting there with her new toy texting away, and singing with her favorite music. I saw what he was talking about. Her childhood was fading right in front of me. Trading Barbies for Justin Bieber. She is changing into a young woman.... one I am not ready to meet.

The urgent over important..... the idea, it keeps at me. Even when I was cleaning up the kitchen, and I found a newspaper article that has been on the refrigerator since 1989.

Weird how you see things everyday, and then one day SEE it.

It is a copy of Dear Abby's New Year Resolutions. My mom gave it to me when we moved away to Seminary. I was crying, whining, and having an outright fit. She handed it to me off of her refrigerator where it had been for years and said. “Read this.”

I never dreamed, that words from 1989 would challenge me in 2012

I won't recount it all, but it says something like this.......

“Just for today I will live this day only, ...Just for today, I will be happy.... Abraham Lincoln said “Most folks are just about as happy as they make up there minds to be”.......Just for today I will face reality.....I will change what I can and accept the rest......

                   I figured out that all of this wisdom came down to one idea, one simple word..... Enjoy.

 I read the definition of this little word, and I noticed something, It is a verb, which means, it is a choice.

A conscious decision to be present, be attentive, to choose my attitude,  to be aware.

       Enjoying my moments. My God. Enjoying my family, my girls, my job. Even enjoying the chaos we sometimes call life.

 That is my New Year's Resolution to me.

Happy 2012...Enjoy!